My God rides a white horse

I just met my Divine Masculine. Thank Goddess—I mean, thank God—I have been waiting so long. He rides a pure white mustang and carries a gleaming silver sword, and he lives inside of me. He is gorgeous and strong. He is proud, a warrior, a fighter of the good fight, and he always wins because he never loses his dignity. He believes that love and light are true power. He loves me because he knows himself fully. He carries out the Divine Will through asserting his own with confidence and certainty. He has the power to create and manifest, to mold and shape, to give and keep. He is not afraid of what anyone else thinks. He needs no one to care for him, nurture him, or serve him. He only seeks the Love of his partner, the Divine Feminine. He comes to her well when he needs to be filled up with Source Love, after which he and his horse continue their sacred ride through the world.

I am ascending into my Higher Self. What the bleep does this mean? I am at once gaining my Self and losing myself. I have already surpassed any expectation I once had for my life, and I just turned 24. My bewilderment frightens and amazes me. Since I have lost most expectations for my future, I am learning to surrender to the moment. This is terrifying. Who the heck am I? Here are some things I know. I heal people with my hands, channel messages from higher worlds, sing tones of angels and waters and the sun. I intuitively guide myself throughout my day, aware of the subtle magic around me. I have retrieved lost pieces of my soul from past lives, talk to my ancestor spirits, and help clear ancestral wounds. I often embody the Divine Feminine, becoming a channel for a very real frequency of Unconditional Love that has sprung up from who knows what deep wells within my soul. I have frightened, angered, and healed men and women by helping them remember their hearts. I know how to use the magic of tantra to illuminate my energy body. I have awakened my kundalini. There is more. I have tapped into the collective unconscious of the female pain-body and transmuted suffering into compassion and love. I have retrieved part of my soul from the stake where I was burned because of my connection to the earth and the power of my womanhood. I have grounded needed frequencies from higher realms into the core of mother earth to help Gaia in her ascension process. I am ascending into my Higher Self.

What endless ocean of rationality can begin to comprehend a tiny grain of sand of this Divine Mystery? It is all unfolding before us NOW, and keeps unfolding at light speed. The most important change I ever catalyzed within myself was the movement from head to heart. The more centered my consciousness and being and awareness became within my Heart, the greater connection I found to my path and true self. Thinking mostly brings us out of the NOW time, into the past and future. Heart-living brings us into the present, the NOW, the Truth. We see the world for what it is, and the world starts to unveil its secrets. Magic emerges from within and without.

How to embrace this whirling dervish, this endless reaching upwards and rooting downwards, this rocketing ship into space, this rocking ocean of emotion, this flowering tree of life? There is only one way: let go. Surrender. Let go in the moment, no need for embraces. I am sorry if my embrace lasted far less than you expected. I was present while it lasted. The Highest Good of I and you and Gaia calls me onward. I must ride.

I am strong. I am pure. I am grounded. I am light. I am love. I AM.
Blessed be.
~OM~

Caught in the Void

That surging of energy within my entire body prevented me from drifting into a peaceful sleep. Wide awake, I was familiar with this routine. I walked barefoot out onto the street under a moon- and star-lit sky, and climbed up the nearby boulder pile awhile until I chose a flat-topped granite slab to call my meditation cushion. I surrendered to the energy, allowing it to direct my consciousness into a relaxed, altered state. One of my guides wanted to chat, so I looked around to make sure no one was watching. I opened my mouth to channel her words more clearly. “Why am I feeling this?” I asked her. I had been feeling empty, simply empty, like I had a huge hole in my heart. This feeling of emptiness had persisted for a few weeks, coming and going. “Sometimes we need to spend time in the Void,” she replied. The Void is where nothingness lies, where new births begin. It is a darkness that we fear because it is nothing. What do I do in nothing? Where do I go? Who do I turn to? There is nothing. It is terrifying if one gets caught up in thinking about it. It is the Black Hole at the center of our Universe, the empty space between atoms and between stars. It makes up something like 99.9% of the universe. All the stuff we know as our bodies, the earth, every Thing, only makes up at most one-tenth of one percent of the universe. But it is also the Divine Matrix that holds Matter. It is the womb that acts as a container for life. It may be seen as the feminine principle of creation.

My guide asked me to relax and be in the Void, to have faith that new beginnings needed a gestation period in the darkness. If we do not know the darkness, the empty nothingness, we cannot know the light, the beauty we grow into, the earth and the stars. And if we do not know the Void, we will fear it as we fear Death and cling to Life. If we cling to life, we never let our browning leaves fall to make room for new growth.

Soon after I surrendered to that feeling of emptiness inside of me, something new took root. This little seedling is searching upwards for the light. Who knows what this new life will bring, but I will try to nourish it as best I can, as I would for all little fragile things taking their first shaky steps in the world.

To the Goddess

Gazing at the moon I feel her: Ancient Mother

Creator of life, nurturer, divine feminine healer
Lover and comforter, soothing peacemaker.

Lightning strikes.

Destroyer! Whore! Biting seductress!
Empassioned seeker of light
Helpless child crying in the night
Caught in a torrent of emotion
Swirling in the endless ocean

Can I love her fully, light and dark?
To love myself takes courage
A strength only she bears
To love myself is to love all women,
all people
And to forgive her just the same.

For we are she, the Goddess
Moon-turned
moon-spun
at times eclipsed
at times brilliantly shining
birthing healing lightbeams
to gift our earth-children
Forever giving with no thought to receive.
We are transmuters and alchemists
turning harsh solar rays
into gently rocking droplets
filtered by love and compassion.

Each day we push, each night we exhale.
And so we give birth to ourselves.

Cloudless skies

"Tell me about your madness, and I might take you seriously. I leave the rest to the wind."

"What are you talking about?" I shouted.

Casey sprinted up the steep hill, blades of wet grass sticking to the bottoms of his tennis shoes.

"Casey, where are you going?"

No response of course. Sighing, I hurried after him. The sun smiled above after a light spring shower, the sky now perfect, cloudless, the air fresh. Casey plopped down abruptly on the wet grass and looked up.

"Some people think cloudless skies are perfect," he mused.

Was I just thinking that? I tried to hide my heavy breathing as I crouched down beside him, not wanting to soak my jeans. I waited.

Finally he offered, "Do you see that glimmering down there?"

"Yes," I shrugged, "That's the sun reflecting off the resevoir."

"This all used to be beaver's land," he responded. "Beaver builds resevoirs too-- really complicated systems, actually. They pile sticks somewhere along a river and stack the wood higher and higher as the waters rise. They even install pressure controls in their dam-- sticks they can pull out to relieve water pressure if it builds up too much."

"Wow, that's pretty cool," I nodded. "I wonder if we could hire beavers to make our dams for us? They'd probably be much more successful..."

Casey didn't laugh but started log-rolling down the hill from where we had just come. I hesitated, thinking about how wet my clothes would get, the possibility of grass stains, that damp clothes-sticking-to-your-skin feeling on our walk home... But Casey had reached the bottom and flailed his limbs open wide so he resembled a starfish and his giggling soon turned to joyous laughter. So I gave in and hurled down the hill after him.

Prayer for 2011

May this new year of 2011 bring...


LOVE

and
Awareness of duality
acceptance.
Symmetry and integrated
wholeness.
Transformation into divine
embodiment.
Surrender to compassion
and

LOVE

Sunrising

As I unravel myself from thought-patterns and abstractions
Tear off layers of unconscious emotional reactions
I long to lie naked so close to your sun
blending our warm rays permeating each skin cell
and feeling my mitochondria dance.
This vibration you sense emanating from me is a new one
An emergence of a new longing
A recent remembrance of a timeless past:
Can I be the fusion reaction driving you to shine brighter?
And the ocean of placid peace you dive into when you need a break from burning?

Tides

In ten years I hope I don't find you
at the ocean's edge pacing
collecting small shells and watching the horizon
for the perfect ship to swim to
and wishing all the same it won't arrive
so that irrevocable plunge and unthinkable distance
through choppy waters can be forgotten,
eventually.

~~~

Once I remember how your tide pulled me out
I rolled on your big waves mesmerized
I only behaved floating free-falling
Surrrrrrenderrr
Rendering me unconscious
To anything but your blue waters
A dolphin I glided to your depths
I leaped and giggled
And time passed and passed

Until the waves crashed overhead tore me thrashed as the tide came back in (like it always has).

I clamored ashore
collapsed on the sand
and lied there stunned as a fish
wondering how to breath without water
.
.
.
Finally I felt a breath and realized it was my own
I watched it a long while
In and out and In
Out and In
and Out and In and Out
Until I was sure I was not dead
Out and In and Out
and In
Until I felt the tide-force within me
the same motion as the great seas
washing our peaceful Mother, and yet my own
In and Out

Until the union appeared

In

I Am

Out

All




I forgave you. And later, in the same moment, myself.